The Daily Weirdness


A Meditation on Constipation and Freddy Vs. Jason.

April 17, 2017 ·

Expectations lower with age. If luck is a friend, one bowel movement a day is considered good enough. Constipation has many causes. One of the causes is anxiety. When the grasshopper can’t relax, the grasshopper can’t take a crap.

Another is scheduling. The grasshopper usually goes in the morning. The trouble is: the urges arrive at coffee shops. A place that feeds hundreds of people cups of espresso beans an hour is also a place that tends to have one unisexual bathroom with only one toilet. It is the one place that should accommodate enough toilets for all the members of Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Then when their urges come, those mad grizzlies bang on the bathroom door, which makes it duly hard to let the salmon pass through. The tension scares them right back upstream. Panic worsens constipation, and so longer commitments in the bathroom. The trend lives on.

Young Grasshopper must distract its mind from constipation. He thinks of the movie Freddy Vs. Jason.

Although he has never seen the movie, he has often wondered about it since its release in 2003. He’s seen every Friday the 13th movie up until part eight, because in part seven, Jason chases after a girl with psychokinetic powers.

Psychokinesis should have no part at Camp Crystal Lake. So why bother with parts eight, nine, or ten. In those last three, Jason goes on field trips to Manhattan, to hell, and to space. Hell is understandable. But whatever the distance is between Crystal Lake and Manhattan, it’s certain that Jason won’t be allowed on any charter buses. He may have to hitchhike—which would be interesting—but what driver would be willing to pick him up at the sight of a hockey mask and a machete. So in the final one, Jason X, he goes to space. That is the most unbelievable of all—even more so than Jason Goes to Manhattan. What on Earth does the NASA program want with him.

But back to Freddy Vs. Jason…:

Out of all the Friday the 13th movies, Jason has never once been shown to let out a big yawn and stretch before hitting the hay:

“Boy am I beat. Just another long day of killing a bunch of horny teenagers. I best get some shut-eye ‘fore tomorrow. It’s going to be another long one, what with another bus of horny teenagers coming to town.

Oh, and you…with the hat, and the glove, and that sweater…don’t be going into my dreams now. I just want a good night’s sleep.”

Though the hammock would have a splendid view of Crystal Lake.

He rests on his back with his legs sprawled over the edges of the hammock, his hands clasped over his belly. The hammock swings less gently when he turns and curls in a fetal position. On a summer night, he does with his mask what cowboys do with their hats. Actually, cowboys like to roll their hats over their eyes. Jason tips the mask farther up his head.

It’s better if Jason doesn’t sleep.

So that’s the deepest curiosity over Freddy Vs. Jason.

As for Freddy’s involvement: of all horror monsters, he goes after Jason, when there are far easier options such as Chucky.

Freddy has only a glove with four knives, while Jason has an entire Home Depot at his disposal. Even in his dreams, Jason could surely find himself an ax. But Chucky is just a redheaded step-doll. Freddy could stab the cotton right out of him.

As for other monsters, The Tall Man has that lame silver ball with the spikes.

Leatherface is useless without his chainsaw.
He may as well beg for his job back at Applebee’s.

And Angela from Sleepaway Camp is just a teenage Sarah Silverman with male genitalia.

The camera zooms out in the ending to show the surprise: not only is she the killer, but the cock and balls are propped there like the eyes and nose on a Mr. Potato Head.

This image has scarred the grasshopper to this day of course, since 1983, back when horror movies were great for latchkey children, back before character-generated-imagery made blood look like something in Candy Crush. The six-year-old can’t wrap his mind around its meaning. The writer and director were both trying to communicate something to the audience, like Lassie to the Miller family about a barn-fire. Maybe the film was ahead of its time, and its creators envisioned the zeitgeist of transgender politics thirty years later.

The grasshopper can’t shake that image from his mind, and so he gives up as the grizzlies pound the door.



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