Out here in California, we have the pleasure of In-N-Out Burger. I used to eat there a lot when I was in college.

One time, on a weekend in Garden Grove, I ate not one but two Double-Doubles. I drove my Honda CRX to Tower Records nearby to browse the rock and hip-hop sections, back when record stores still existed. They tended to help me relax from all my worries to the point where they became a natural laxative.

I suddenly had to use the bathroom, except Tower didn’t have one for customers. This wouldn’t be a short and sweet trip either. I really really had to go urgently. There was no time to stop and consider which bathroom I wanted to use. I had to go now.

So I scrambled out of the store and hurried to the first business I could find, which was a motel. The door was locked. The concierge (or whom I considered to be the concierge in a dump like that) stood behind his counter looking at me with fear.

I banged on the glass. “Sir, help. I need to use your bathroom now.”

I could read his lips. “What?”

I had to yell louder. “I said, I need to use your bathroom now.”

He shook his head and said no as if I was going to hold him at gunpoint if he opened the door.

Then I couldn’t hold it anymore. The warmth poured down my left leg. I could feel myself melting in the sun.

I wore shorts so the concierge could see what was happening, too. The look of horror on his face rivaled mine. It was too late. What was done was done. There was no use in scrambling for a bathroom then. I would have to drive back to my dorm with it down my leg.

Fullerton was about a thirty-minute drive from Garden Grove. I used a knitted blanket, which was conveniently in my car, to cover my driver’s seat and drove home with the windows down.

When I arrived at the dorm, it was a long walk to my room. Of course I was going to pass a few students.

One of them walked past me and asked, “What happened to you?”

“I fell in mud,” I said.

And then I locked the door behind me. I took a shower and changed clothes, knowing never to eat In-N-Out and browse at Tower Records again.