How many of us walk around pretending things are alright when it couldn’t be more distant from the truth? I explore this cave without any pretense and can look quite gloomy. That’s fine. I’m a gloomy person. There’s no hiding from the fact that I wander wanting more, some of which I can’t have, actually most. Weird how life works that way.

Anyway, it’s hot outside. My father called me this morning and said the power went out in their neighborhood a little after eight. He also texted me about the problem as if I was able to fix it, asking if my power went out too. Nope. Everything was fine around here. I beg to ask why he was bothering me at that time when both he and my mother knew that the morning wasn’t a good time to get a hold of me unless a real tragedy had struck. This is the time of day when I’m trying to focus on my work, and I didn’t see a power outage as an emergency. I was disturbed by his message. It had pulled me out of my own thoughts. I was thinking about them and their problem. There was nothing I could do to fix it. I couldn’t turn their power back on, so why was he texting me? Furthermore, what did it matter if my power went out? There was nothing he could do to fix it either. Why message me? I’m gonna see them tomorrow anyway. It was just an annoyance this morning when I’d slept in. I wasn’t expecting to wake up so late at a quarter before nine. I slept right through my alarm at a half past four in the morning.

I handed my rent check to my apartment manager on Thursday. She squinted at it as if I’d written something wrong.

“Everything okay?” I said.

She looked up and smiled. “Yes, everything is fine,” she said.

I gave her the thumbs up and said “Good” before I left her office. There was an unsettling feeling that I’d done something wrong. I’ve felt that way for quite some time now.

But enough darkness on a Saturday. It’s time for optimism. How about the US in the Olympics winning all of these medals, eh? I’m proud of those athletes, but I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t think once about them this week. I did read about a man who pummeled a woman in a boxing match, and the woman started crying. It’s not right for a man to enter a woman’s competition. We can all agree on that. Point to a person who disagrees. That’s how it is now. I also saw a Turkish competitor in a gun event–whatever it was supposed to be called–who didn’t wear protective glasses or ear muffs and shot the targets with his other hand in his pocket. It was quite impressive to see a picture of him on social media. He ended up winning the silver, but he should’ve won the gold regardless of his score. After all, he’d shot the targets with his hand in his pocket. That degree of difficulty is as immense as shooting with his weak hand.

I called the court yesterday to find out about my speeding ticket and where it was in transit, but in the morning I had to wait behind eighteen other people to speak to an operator. And in the afternoon, they were already closed after two on a Friday. It’s gonna be more difficult than expected throughout this process of paying the fine if my ticket ends up at the wrong address. Then I would have to worry about more fees if I can’t pay it on time. It’s another thing to stress about. I wish it would’ve never happened. But what good is it to wish? What does wishing really do? Nothing as far as I can see. It’s useless.

My Edison bill came to five hundred dollars because I left my air conditioner on and never turned it off. It has been well over a hundred degrees every day in the desert. What choice do I have? The AC is on auto. It’s supposed to turn off once the apartment turns a certain temperature, but it never reaches that low. Therefore the unit stays on. I even bumped it up to eighty five degrees, but still no success. I would rather pay the five hundred dollars than sweat in my apartment. It’s that important. It’s the difference between that and substandard living.