I haven’t watched television since 2003. That’s not true. I’ll watch it from time to time when I’m with my parents because they’re television junkies. They watch all the shows, from Netflix to Amazon, but they stay away from the networks. The programming is just too awful.

I’ll watch TV with a zombie affect, not laughing, smiling, or crying. It dumbs me down, which was what made me quit so long ago. I used to get angry at the shows and the commercials, especially the commercials. They’re always louder than the programs on purpose.

I quit it for many reasons. I decided to start writing, and television corrupted my mind. All those reality shows made me rot away. I could feel myself shrinking into the couch. It also made me snack too much. I would eat chips, popcorn, and pizza and never get up from where I was sitting.

My mother would say, “Go out there and play some tennis why don’t you?”

“But Mom, I’m watching Fear Factor.”

Or “Mom, I’m watching MTV.”

I used to be an MTV freak back when they were still showing music videos. They quit doing that, yet they still call it Music Television. Don’t ask.

The Food Network has shows that don’t feature food.

The Travel Network has shows that have nothing to do with travel.

AMC, which stands for American Movie Classics, has shows that have nothing to do with American movie classics.

I don’t care enough to know the reason. Just change the name.

I used to watch IFC (Independent Film Channel) because I was a buff for independent films. Now I hear they don’t do that anymore.

Television is just a waste of time. I could be outside, petting other peoples’ dogs, or playing tennis like my mother wanted me to do.

When I was a teenager, I used to watch all the dumb shows for teens, like Saved by the Bell, a sitcom I watched every day after school and never laughed once. Or Beverly Hills, 90210. I knew all the episodes by heart because they would show the reruns ad nauseam, but it didn’t matter. I had a crush on the girls on those shows, so I would just stare at their beauty.

Of course, when I was younger than that, I would watch Hanna Barbara and Looney Tunes cartoons, not the garbage cartoons with amateurish animations they show now. I lived and died by the television, but I swore it off at twenty-six years old, like a vegetarian with meat. It was no good for me anymore.

If I were to be serious, I couldn’t let it rot my brain. Now, people come up to me.

“Dude, you gotta watch this new show… and this show… and this show…”

I had to compile a list in my brain.

They have all the streaming platforms, which is another beef I have with television. The only reason I have Amazon Prime is because I use it to go shopping. I don’t actually watch the shows.

I have a long list of books I want to read before I die. It might take me until old age to finish it, and I won’t get there if I keep watching television.

Maybe one day I’ll give up and watch it again. Then I’ll have something to talk about with people because it seems that’s all they want to do. I feel left out when they mention their favorite shows and discuss the episodes. And I feel like a snob when I tell them that I don’t watch television.

That’s not true. I watch YouTube, but that’s different. I can type in whales in the search bar, and a bunch of whale videos will show up in the results. That’s different from Jimmy Kimmel.

When I was young, I predicted this would happen. In the future, everyone will have their own TV channel. Well, I don’t. I’m too lazy. Besides, I don’t have any content. I could present my apartment, including the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom, and which toothpaste I use. Other than that, there isn’t much to show.