I’ve learned to criticize myself so easily. It has become second nature. I call myself an incompetent idiot for every mistake I’ve made, thinking somehow that will improve me when it won’t. I can’t think of a single time when being so hard on myself ever helped. Why criticize myself when other people can do it for me? Maybe that’s where those beliefs come from: from listening to other people and believing them when all I need to do is not believe them. What they’re saying is a fallacy.

To tell the truth, it has been a long time since someone has called me an idiot. In fact, I can’t remember, but it has been implied. Nevertheless, I still can’t picture who made me think they thought I was an idiot. I make a lot of mistakes at my job, and every time the voice in my head calls me stupid, I believe it, and I deserve to be punished for messing up. But I didn’t intend to make the mistake. It just happened. I’m at fault, but I also blame the company for not training me well enough.

I read through a worksheet last night when I couldn’t sleep about self-criticism versus self-compassion. I’m supposed to spend one day completely criticizing myself in the worst way and seeing if it helps, and spend the next day completely opposite and treating myself to self-compassion, which I don’t know how to do. What do I say to myself to have compassion? The worksheet asked me if I would talk to a friend or a child the way I talk to myself. The easy answer is no. I would never punish them the way I punish myself because I can be pretty brutal. I’m not my own friend. That’s apparent. So to have compassion for myself, I have to stay reminded that I would never talk the same way to someone else when they make a mistake. I would never call a child, a friend, or a relative an idiot. I’m practicing self-compassion right now, and I feel a little lighter. But self-compassion is delicate. It could break from the slightest pressure. Tomorrow I shall criticize myself to death to see how I feel. The worksheet said it could take a while before I notice any significant changes.