If there’s one thing that I hate, it’s listening to the sounds of other people eating: the slurping, smacking, crunching for several minutes as they eat their soup or sandwiches. Some people are polite about it and eat quietly, while others can’t control the way they eat. They’re totally oblivious to how obnoxious they sound, and I have to sit there and hear it.

I used to work with a guy who ate constantly. He loved Chinese food, so he always picked up Panda Express and brought it to the office. Not only did he make disgusting sounds with his mouth–the slurping, smacking, crunching–but he also held his fork like a Neanderthal, like how kids hold their spoons when they’re eating cereal. I had to tell him over and over again to keep his mouth closed as he was eating.

“Sorry,” he would say and commence to slurp, smack, and crunch his food.

I couldn’t wear headphones either because I had to answer calls from angry people while the eating was entering my other ear. He would also comment about the food: “Mmmm, this food is so good” with a mouthful.

He didn’t have to tell us. The noises he was making were evidence enough about how much he enjoyed it.

The office was much more peaceful when he wasn’t there, but I worked with him on most night shifts, when he and I were alone, and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

But anyway, those are my thoughts on disgusting eaters. They rank right up there with people who call me “Boss” or people who say, “It’s all good,” although I don’t know if those people exist any longer. It has been years since I’ve heard that phrase. It usually comes out of the mouth of someone with a low IQ.

The annoyance factor also depends on what kind of food those savages are eating. Soup eaters are their own breed who sip from their spoons loudly. Tea drinkers are just as guilty. The aforementioned savage, whom I worked with, would eat egg drop soup from another Chinese place, and I had to hear him slurp from his spoon as his head was close to the bowl at his desk. I would hear the big slurp every time he raised his spoon to his mouth.

“Could you please not slurp the soup?” I would say.

“Oh, my bad.”

The guy thought it was funny, so he kept slurping even louder after I asked him politely to stop doing it.

Noisy eaters are as bad as people who scrape their knife and fork against the ceramic plate and make that screeching sound, or people who make screeching sounds in general. I remember having to sit in class where the teachers used the chalkboard. Every time they would rub the chalk against the surface of the board, my teeth would hurt. I know teeth don’t have feelings, but when they did that, I swear a pain would surge through them. I would picture my teeth scraping against the chalkboard. A different pain would arise every time that guy would smack his lips to the food. It was like sloshing waves in the ocean in his mouth. The wet mouth drowning the orange chicken, which is getting smaller and smaller from his saliva. Yuck. I could picture it all while he was eating.

I don’t work with him anymore, not since the beginning of COVID when we had to leave the office. Now I work from home, away from noisy eaters. But who knows? Maybe I’m one of them, and I’m not aware of it, just like other noisy eaters aren’t aware of how annoying they are either. But if I am, I would love for someone to tell me so I can correct my disorder. I really do think it’s a disorder that should be documented in a medical book somewhere. So where is that guy now? Is he annoying other people with the sounds coming out of his mouth or was it just me?